It sounds like they've already anticipated the possibility that you may not like or expect what is next.

oh shit

Thanks for the advice. I think you've helped me cement what I'm going to do: apply and talk to them, and then decide... but let them know where I'm standing right now. but oh is that difficult, especially when things are almost entirely handed to you on a silver platter:

"Depending on the project you plan on taking on, we will likely hire you for
the summer and you can get a feel for what is going on in our research group
and whether you like working with us. You would be involved in a variety of
research projects and would start to develop your own project towards the
fall when you would start with your graduate program."

i mean, come on, if that isn't a prod in the direction of "work for us! we really want you to! come join us now!" i don't know what is. but yeah, an application will be going in, and i'll be letting them know that i'm still not sure. that I think their opportunities are AMAZING, but that i'm still not sure. and they're going to look at me either in a confused or disappointed manner and ask me what it would take to be convinced. and the answer is time.

oh my. i did not think it would be this easy (the whole application/acceptance process). i really just need a break, and i need it badly.

Alison, I've described this before, and perhaps you are asking others' advice at this point, but I happen to have a couple of pennies hanging around. My general feeling on things like this is that options are good. Even though right now you don't much feel like going to grad school, things can (and often do) change. If that happens, it's easier to have that option that regret it later. Of course, if you are wary about declining later, talk to your profs beforehand. They've been where you are now, and usually know that you have a lot of decisions to make; and they understand that you may change your mind later.

Of course, given what you're describing now, I get the feeling you already know what you're doing (and not doing). Chances are, if that's the conclusion you've come to, you've done it for good reason. There's no reason to agonize over it, or worry about anything you owe to your profs for discussing grad school to this point. Frankly, when it comes to this decision, in spite of who your decision affects, the only person you owe anything is yourself.

my advice is to go with your gut. these are the lessons i've recently learned about going with your gut:

if you have an ACE/SIX OFFSUIT and your opponent has gone ALL-IN and you feel in your gut you're going to lose, DON'T call him on it.

if you like how a certain pair of shoes looks on the shelf but you're not too sure how you feel about them on your feet, don't get sucked in by the uber stylish salesperson - he may be keen on what's "IN" but ultimately you're the one that's going to have to find pants that match.

so word.

okay, so... I need advice:

what do I do about grad school? why do I keep working on my application if I'm not even sure I want to go? this is messed up. do I go the route of "apply and then decide" or just go with my gut and say no? and forget about the opportunities I've just foregone? shit. I hate this. I know, the only one who has to live with this decision for the rest of their life is me. do I take it or leave it? do I even just give it a shot and see what happens? if only I didn't still have a crush on my prof... I'm pretty sure I do now. damnit. but even then, I can't say that that would make my decision clearer. If I'd just known the prof for a couple of years (like a lot of other people in that department) I can't say that the decision would be any easier. It might be even harder to tell you the truth, because right now there sure is a side of me that just says "you need to drop this entire thing and get out now" and there wouldn't be that if I didn't have the crush... fuck. I don't know. i think I'll apply, but let them know that I'm not too sure I want to jump in just yet... and see how they respond... (?) this sucks.

What the hell!??

That Immortel trailer was pretty cool! The power to procreate with Gods! Tee Hee! Another movie to watch.

haha! Pulp! yeah!

Oh yeah, and I gave him this URL so he could drop us a line. DYP is getting UK exposure.

The most exciting thing happened.
The carpet cleaner came to clean the carpets. He was a really nice guy, I think his name was Peter.
We had coffee and talked about school, politics, music, cultural differences, and the carpet cleaning industry. It got me through the morning with bona fide entertainment in the form of intelligent conversation.
And the carpets are really clean. I should have taken a "before" picture.